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19 Things to NEVER, EVER wear to a wedding

4/24/2014

Weddings have dress codes for a reason—to help you not look like a total asshat. And yet we've been seeing far too many tacky, scandalous, downright gnarly looks at our friends' weddings. Here are 19 things you should probably never wear.

BY NATASHA BURTON

1. A White Dress

Maybe it's an old-fashioned, old-school rule. Maybe the bride is super cool and doesn't even give a sh*t. But wearing a white dress to a wedding just makes you look like an asshole. Really, you couldn't choose any other dress?

2. A Super Short Dress

Hey, when you're attending a wedding single—and you're ready to mingle with some hot groomsmen—you might feel tempted to throw on your vag-grazing mini-dress. But you should definitely resist that temptation.

3. A Super Tight Dress

If we can see your belly button, areola, and/or cameltoe outline through your dress—newsflash!—it's too tight to wear to a wedding.

4. A Super Short, Super Tight White Dress

Do you want the grandmother-of-the-bride to have an aneurism? Do you?

5. Anything Backless That Reveals Your Bra

When you're a grown-ass woman, you're kind of expected to find grown-up undergarments. Unless of course you're totally cool with teenage junior groomsman snapping your bra on the dance floor.

6. More Makeup Than a Cirque Du Soleil Acrobat

Your friend/family members/frenemy's wedding may seem like a theatrical event. But you are not its star

7. A Loud, Wild Print that Could Double as J. Lo Concert Wear

Unless the bride has asked you perform a rousing rendition of On the Floor to get the reception going, you should never show up to a wedding looking like you take your fashion cues from a Lisa Frank sticker.

8. Club Attire to a Country Club Wedding

Okay, we could see how you might have seen the words "club" on your invitation, then interpreted them to mean that your backless, string-secured number would be the perfect dress to wear. Wait. Actually, no, we don't. It's J. Crew time for this one.

9. A Plunging Neckline and No Bra

We get it. You have great tits. But unless you got a +2 to this wedding, leave the girls at home. (Or just, you know, tucked into a more appropriate dress.)

10. Jeans

Ah, the Canadian tuxedo. Wearing jeans to a wedding is like refusing someone's advances during an orgy—it offends everyone!

11. Anything that Reveals Your Belly Button

Unless the wedding you're going to is a pool party, get that inner outie here. (See what we did there?)

12. Anything that Reveals Your Thong

Sisqo may wanna see your thong tha-thong-thong-thong—and the bride's creepy Uncle Jimbo might, too—but no one else does.

13. A Chain Wallet

Even if you're Johnny Depp. Just don't.

14. A Super Sparkly Dress

If it looks like something Tonya Harding would have LOVED to wear to the '94 Olympics, it's probably not right for your college friend's wedding. This is not your day to shine, sister.

15. A Short-Sleeve Dress Shirt

Guys, we feel you. It's 94 degrees outside and, under that suit, your boxer briefs are pooling with sweat while all of us ladies flit around perspiration-free in our cocktail dresses. But does one foot of extra fabric really make a difference? Don't make like George Costanza and just wear a real dress shirt.

16. A Hooded Sweatshirt.